I really enjoy your recent single, “How Can I Stay?”. What can you tell me about it?
When I wrote the song, I had finally left a partner I really loved because I knew that our relationship was not salvageable, and I was also watching the beginning of the Palestinian Genocide unfold. Overall, “How Can I Stay?” uses the downfall of a relationship as an allegory for the demise of a nation and for imperialism turning around to bite the United States as it has always been fated to do. Both parasitic relationships and fascist governments are volatile, confining, and involve constant observation and manipulation, so the lyrics can be interpreted in both contexts.
My relationship with this person was inappropriate, and I was sort of kidding myself into thinking that it was okay. At the time, it was the best relationship I had ever had, but there were also so many aspects of it that were never going to be acceptable no matter how hard I tried to pretend. I felt conflicted all the time, caught between the rightness of the person and the wrongness of the situation. The push and pull of the good and bad is reflected in lines such as “You put me in motion when I need it the most/ But under the guise of love/ You’re always watching, always waiting close/ To see what I become.” I felt tied to this person, always thinking about whether or not I was in a safe situation, and always uneasy in the back of my mind. These feelings extend to my view on the US government, which is actively funding genocide in Palestine.
Just as I did in that relationship, I feel dissatisfied with the US. Like many people in the nation, I feel like I am at best two or three issues away from homelessness. The line between middle class and homelessness is a tightrope. On top of that, citizens have been dealing with increased government surveillance since the passing of the Patriot Act. Such censorship and monitoring of speech and movement has only gotten worse under this current regime, and people are distracted by celebrity news and advertisements marketing to them via their insecurities, thus “Watching the gladiators as Rome falls.”
You also released a fantastic music video for the song. What was it like putting that together?
The process was quite fun and Ollie (videographer and editing) did such a stellar job, but I will say that I would like to provide more specific production notes for future music videos. My sister, Chloe, drove us around during the car scenes, and my friend Jules provided lighting while Ollie filmed. We shot several takes in the car and on the boulevard and I found public domain footage of homelessness, mass shootings, and riots in the US, as well as dead or injured people in Palestine and the bombing of buildings. Ollie then compiled the footage and I added the public domain clips over the bridge. I feel that the contrast between me vibing out in the car and the violent news videos is a bit stark and off-putting, but I think I am okay with that. It’s just hard for me to perceive whether or not my idea of public domain footage seems weird and performative or cheesy to other people, but whatever. Everyone on the team did a great job capturing what I wanted, but I do think I need to be slightly more aware of what I want going forward so we can maybe take a wider variety of shots. All in all, I am proud of it, though.
You are currently attending Berklee College of Music. What made Berklee the right choice for you?
Berklee was the right choice for me because of the wide variety of genres and opportunities available and because of how forward-thinking they are. At other schools, I would have been largely limited to jazz and classical, and though I dabbled in both, I never excelled. Presently, I sing in a traditional Bulgarian choir on campus, and if I had gone anywhere else, I seriously doubt I would have found such an opportunity. Balkan music also influences my songwriting, so I would not be the same artist without it. In high school, I felt like I had to sometimes dig for opportunities, but at Berklee, they fall into your lap through connections with friends and teachers. I don’t have any regrets about attending this school whatsoever.
Who or what would you consider your greatest musical influences?
I am really influenced by pop, rock, and R&B artists like Rihanna, Fleetwood Mac, The Cranberries, Rush, The Tragically Hip, and Kelsey Lu. However, like I mentioned in the previous question, I really adore the belted sound of Balkan music, the ornamentations they use, and the dissonance the style utilizes. “How Can I Stay?” is pre-Balkan-era Ella, though, so I think this influence will be more prominent in subsequent releases of mine.
What is the most challenging part of your music career?
I deal with a few challenges worth mentioning, though I am very fortunate in that they are very manageable. For one, I commute to and from school from Gloucester, MA, which eats up a lot of time and energy. I find myself being exhausted at the end of the week from travelling 3-4 hours round trip daily, 6 days per week. Also, I have OCD and PTSD, and I have been noticing that as I get older, shoving down my mental health issues and just carrying on with my work gets harder and harder. But I think that’s alright. I want to acknowledge when I feel poorly and I think it’s worth it to take time to care for yourself so that you don’t burn out or bury your feelings without dealing with them. Lastly, I think self-comparison used to be a huge challenge, but I have finally gotten to the point where I love my voice and my musical style.
What are your immediate musical goals?
My immediate musical goals include booking more gigs with my band to play original music, filming my next music video in order to prepare for my next release, and finishing the lead sheets and other materials for my EP that I will be recording in the fall. I’m very excited to be working towards performing more and sharing more of my music!
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I'm definitely excited to hear more music!
As always, I want to thank Ella for visiting with us, and for sending along the pictures to accompany the interview.
I'm sure you’ll all want to follow her and see what she has going on. I would follow her on Instagram and Spotify to make sure you don't miss a thing.
Thanks again, Ella, and good luck reaching your goals!
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